Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

What Love Looks Like:
Standing vs. Fallings
by Matt Moody, Ph.D.

Emotional feelings fluctuate! Romantic excitement ebbs & flows--it comes and it goes! This is why the State Commission on Marriage and Family identified "commitment," and not love, as the most important element in making a good marriage.

But love and commitment need not be seen as two separate realities. Commitment can be conceived as an important aspect to a type of love that fosters rich relationships. In his book, The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck describes love thus:

"The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. . . . Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful. . . . Love is an act of will--both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. . . . The act of falling in love is an act of regression. . . Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience. Falling in love is not. . . The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. . . . True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision. . . Commitment is the foundation, the bedrock of any genuinely loving relationship. . . . it is our sense of commitment after the wedding which makes possible the transition from falling in love to genuine love."

True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one's companion. Couples who stay married for a lifetime are inevitably faced with the task of keeping romantic love alive. But as long as two partners are committed, romantic feelings can be renewed and made fresh!

Falling in love is a fragile and faulty emotional state, but being loving is a committed decision one makes, and not a fleeting feeling one has, and then, . . . does not have. It takes the total commitment of two, to make a marriage, but the decision of only one, to break it. Everlasting Love is something you "stand for" rather than "fall in." (Changing Your Stripes Manual, page 8-12)

* * * * * * *

Dr Matt Comment: Love is NOT an emotion; instead, it is an action that we choose! When we choose to truly Love, emotions reinforce that loving moment! To understand how to Love, we need to get clear about Emotions. Here's an excerpt from Changing Your Stripes that explains:

Understanding Emotions. Because "emotion" is a multifaceted phenomenon, this is why so much confusion surrounds defining "it." The whole of "emotion" is manifest through these aspects of Who You Are:

1) Conscious Awareness: The way we Perceive the emotional moment.
2) Behavioral Expression: The way we Act in the emotional moment.
3) Physiological Response: The way Bodily Feelings augment Perception & Action.

In a typical way of talking, notice how I refer to emotion as an "it." Compliments of the limits of language, there is built-in distortion when it comes to conceiving emotion. Our very language constrains us to write about, and talk about, "emotion" as if it possessed the typical characteristics of a noun/thing.

Because the word emotion is a "noun" this is precisely why our way of talking about "emotion" naturally constrains a misconception. Typically, nouns represent tangible realities like "rocks" or "chairs." There are actually many words in the English language that are nouns and do NOT point to tangible things. "Emotion" is one of those words. Thus, emotion is talked about as if "it" . . . were an "it," and conceptions of "emotion" naturally gravitate to a thing-ish state.

Now, . . . for the really bad news: By talking about "it" as a noun-form, people tend to reify emotion into a "thing" with a life of its own--including power of its own: "I was overwhelmed by my emotions!" (Changing Your Stripes, page 2-29)

When emotion is correctly conceived, people are the subject of an emotional moment, and emotion is a noun-word to represent an activity, or verb-phenomena, of people "being emotional."

The direct experience of "being emotional" will mean different things to different people, . . . depending upon "how we are being" in that moment--whether we are being true to our own sense of truth, . . . or betraying that inherent harmony.

This is why the Sioux Indian holy man Black Elk said: "It is in the darkness of their eyes that men get lost." C. Terry Warner adds "When we cannot see our way, we think darkness is shrouding our pathway, when really the darkness is in ourselves."

When we betray our own sense of truth, we see the world differently, . . . we see the world through darkened eyes; hence, we bring to particular situations our dark definitions, not because the situation is dark, but because we are dark. We get lost in shadows of our own creation, and it follows that dark emotions flow from impure perceptions. For this reason "emotions" should NOT be followed.

* * * * *
Because emotions follow you,
you should not follow your emotions.
If you are being untrue in an emotional moment,
then the emotions that flow from you
only amplify your falseness.
.* * * * *.

While the word "emotion" does represent "one category," it does not represent "one thing" or "one activity;" rather, it is a word that points to billions of emotional activities enacted by particular people that are "being emotional."

Because "emotion" is multifaceted, this explains why there is so much conceptual confusion about it. Defining emotion is like the blind men who tried to "define" an elephant; each conceived the elephant in terms of the "part" they were feeling, i.e., big floppy ears, a snake-like trunk, a wiggly thin tail, tree-trunk-like legs, or a whale-like torso. Similarly, when speaking of "emotion," people may speak of just the "part" . . . to which they are privy.

While hyperventilating in abstract air of "ideas" stimulated and constrained by "words," we may fail to simply let the reality of emotion "BE" what it "IS" in its totality. Describing the "IS" of emotional phenomena takes more than a few words to do adequately. (Changing Your Stripes Manual, page 120)

* * * * * * *

Dr Matt Comment: The previous excerpt is just a taste of a longer explanation of "Emotions" in my book. As tied to the topic of "Love,". . . here are some further thoughts on Emotion:

The kind of Love that Stands . . . is chosen and is done because of a committed decision. When we are truly loving others, the emotional feelings that flow from us, reinforce the true course we are on; whereas, . . . The kind of Love that Falls simply happens to us, . . . we are overwhelmed by Emotion—as if Emotion were a Force apart from us, . . . directing us?

This is where we must discern between Emotion . . .
and the Interventions of Spirit Influence . . . both of the Light and of the Darkness.

Spirit Influence of Light will always be correlated to Emotions of Light, . . . whereas
BRIAR Emotions always point to our diversion from the Light and into Darkness; further, this very diversion into Darkness is influenced and encouraged by the spirit forces of the unseen enemy.

When you "feel" Briar Emotions, . . . you know what course you are on, . . . and exactly "who" is influencing that dark downward direction:

* * * * * * *

Feelings that are False: BRIAR Emotions. When people are not embroiled in betrayal, they display peaceful emotions in their bodies and upon their faces. Their integrity of character is evidenced by a calm and contented countenance--an absence of agitated emotions. In betrayal, Justifying, Accusing, & Resenting is most often outwardly expressed, but what brews beneath the accusing, self-excusing words are always anxious and unsettled emotions:

* * * * *
You can lie with your MOUTH or EMOTION:
"When you're in the BRIAR, . . . You're a LIAR."
.* * * * *.

While the lies from our lips are more obvious, lies can also be "told" without words. Resentful and accusing emotions are nonverbal lies that we live, . . . wordless emotional lies that are more subtle and insidious. As we harbor irritated and tense emotions, we are caught in the BRIAR.

The BRIAR represents Lies that we "tell" via Emotion.
The BRIAR represents Lies that we Live!

      B = Bothered Blaming & Bitter
      R = Resentful & Raging
      I  = Irritated Impatient & Irate
      A = Angry Agitated Annoyed Anxious & Accusing
      R = Rationalizing

These unsettled emotions show in our very countenance; they reveal our betrayal of Truth. Because these feelings are false, . . . we are Being False as we harbor them. BRIAR Emotions are yet another set of tell-tale signs that signal the loss of Life's inherent harmony.

* * * * *
When I am False . . . I feel
Tension, Agitation . . . Disharmony.
My Unsettled Emotions signal falseness.
When I am True, I am at Peace;
the Peace that flows freely
signifies Harmony.
.* * * * *.
(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 195)

* * * * * * *

Dr Matt Comment: Two fundamental kinds of emotion flow from Two Fundamental Ways of Being: Being Loving vs. Being Less-than-Loving.

Two Ways of Being. Through language, the self is inseparably tied to others through communicative necessity. Life's purpose comes alive via the meaning made in everyday dialogue. Human beings are engaged in an ongoing discourse that is symbolic, meaningful, and mutually impactful. Philosopher Martin Buber understood this inherent connectedness and maintained that human relations manifest in two fundamental ways . . . two ways of being: "I-Thou" or "I-It." These ways-of-being-together represent two ways of impacting others "for better, or for worse."

* * * * *
Every human act . . . has an impact:
By virtue of mutually impactful relations,
the human world is inherently a moral context.
We inescapably impact each other to either:
Betterment or Detriment.
.* * * * *.

The "being" aspect of self is the focus of Martin Buber's philosophy. He described a human self as inseparable from others and expressed that connectedness with hyphenated words: "I-Thou" and "I-It." By connecting two individual words with a hyphen, Buber symbolizes a unifying of two separate embodied beings into a one unity of relational being: "I-Thou" or "I-It." Buber's notion reinforces the explanations of the verb-self, or relational self; a self that is located in the expressive space between two human bodies.

For Buber, "I-Thou" establishes the world of respectful relations. In the "I-Thou" world, the other is real before the I; the other is esteemed like the I; the responsibility of an I for a Thou is the bond of human love. "I-Thou" means that others are always empathically approached as an end, and not a means.

In contrast to "I-Thou" relations of respect and regard, human beings can also live and perceive the world as "I-It." In this way of being, and way of seeing, the other is not emotionally real to the I, the other is not esteemed like the I, and the other is a surreal entity to be used as a means for I. In relations of "I-It," the bond of human love is broken by self-serving action and intent. "I-It" means that self and others are entangled in bonds of anguish.

"I-It" is a way of being that manifests commonly in relations with strangers or infrequent associates, especially in the buzz of big cities. But the "I-It" way of being can also appear in relations of family, friend, and ironically between those who call themselves "lovers." Within the "I-It" way of being there may be compelling physical chemistry and attraction, still the richest bonds of love are only realized in the realm of "I-Thou." In the mutually impactful conversation called "Life," . . . two alternatives are perpetually possible . . . and one choice will make the difference between the best that Life can deliver . . . OR something less:

As I face my fellow beings,
I can impact others to their growth and betterment,
in Bonds of Love, . . . "I-Thou."

OR I can "live" something less,
and impact others to their loss and detriment,
in Bonds of Anguish, . . . "I-It."

In every moment there is opportunity to Be-Loving,
and as I fail to embrace this Way-of-Being, by default
I choose something less . . . I am something less.

Because social relations are mutually influencing, human beings necessarily have moral impact upon others in daily relations, hence the question: "Will my influence upon others be for their betterment or detriment?" The intrinsic nature of human relations means that human influence will either encourage the relational Bonds of Love and enhance the joys of unity, or embolden the Bonds of Anguish thus furthering the sorrows of selfishness. By simply omitting acts of love, or by impacting others in a way Less-than-Love, we are relegated to the self-absorbed realm of "I-It."

Again, the given nature of our world is that we are ever impacting those with whom . . . we commune. We cannot choose not to impact others, . . . and that necessary impact of physical and expressive being will manifest as either "I-Thou" or "I-It." Two Fundamental Ways of Being that can also be characterized by the terms: Altruistic or Narcissistic, . . . and by the words: Empathic or Selfish.

Selfish versus Empathic. Because we experience our world from a perspective located at our individual bodies, it is very common for one's way of seeing the world to have a default position of selfishness. Living in a world that is predominantly driven by selfish motivations explains this Old Testament passage:

"Although affliction cometh not forth of the dust,
neither doth trouble spring out of the ground;
yet man is born unto trouble,
as the sparks fly upward."

Living in the center of your world is to live selfishly. Selfishness IS the fuel that feeds the fires of human trouble; the "sparks fly upward" directly because of selfish words and deeds so prevalent in human relations. Comes the common retort, "how else can I live, but to live for my self?" And that is where conceptualizing the verb-self, or the self as "being," becomes centrally important. When we finally understand that the most vital and purposive aspect of self is manifest in our way-of-being-with-others, then an alternate possibility of looking at life emerges--seeing the world through empathic eyes.

The importance of an empathic way of seeing will habitually smack you in the face in a marriage relationship; it is then you finally realize that you are not the center of the universe; rather the universe revolves around your spouse (*wink*). And if you fail to acquire an empathic view in marriage, a decrease in relational satisfaction will consistently correlate to your nearsighted, selfish vision. Yet there is another impact the will habitually poke you in your selfish eyes, if you don't get a clue from your spouse; eventually you may begin opening empathic eyes as children are born into your family, and the vulnerability and innocence of a child breaks down selfish barriers. The empathic vision gains further clarity . . . as children grow up and begin to behave badly. It is THEN, that you may remember treating your own parents poorly, and you empathically feel as your parent felt, . . . you are finally able to see as they saw.

What goes around . . . comes around. Because Life is Self-Correcting, as you fail to become empathic early on, and see empathic early on, then Life will smack you hard in the head 'til your selfish attention is captured; Life will keep on smackin' your egocentric head until you get a clue: It's time to Change Your Stripes and become the You that is True; a New Kind of Creature capable of an empathic way of being, thus automatically acquiring an empathic way of seeing.

* * * * *
You See the World according to Who You Are,
Your Way of Seeing is inseparably tied to Your Way of Being.
A New World unfolds to view through Changing Your Stripes
and Becoming a New Kind of Creature.
.* * * * *.

One way of mentally dislodging Self from the chronic rut of ME-Centered-Seeing is to realize that the Animal You Are is not only an "I" to numerous "others," but also an "other" to numerous "I's." To remember this "out of body" perspective is to begin to desire the sweet fruits of empathy--the rich relations of love. And with "desire" . . . a seed is sown.

But more than a change of mind is required to become empathic. People cannot change their mind, hence their way of seeing the world, until they first experience a Change of Heart, and that vital change happens only through the renewing powers of the Creator. The metamorphosis of Changing Your Stripes does not happen through mind power, but through His Power--as we yield our selfish will . . . to His Loving Ways.

Whether you acknowledge it or not, who you are IS most fundamentally manifest by the selfish or empathic intents of the heart. Recalling the words of Jesus, "From the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh." And just as the mouth speaks according to the conditions of one's heart, it also follows that from the abundance of the heart the mind thinketh, and the eyes seeth. Your intent of heart determines your way of being with others, and thus your way of seeing the world as well. As Stephen R. Covey states, "You don't see the world as it is, you see it according to who you are."

Thus, one does not see the world only according to raw facts. Facts do not speak for themselves, they require interpretation. And according to a person's acts--whether empathic or selfish--one will bring to the facts of the world a perception and interpretation.

* * * * *
I bring to my world, perceptions of dismay and darkness,
because of the darkness within me. I see and
experience my world with anxiousness
because of my own inner anguish;
I see falsely, . . . because I am false.
My worldview Changes . . . as I Change.
As I choose Love, I see a world that is only
seen and experienced through the eyes of Love.
.* * * * *.

When you are being empathic you are not only being Loving, . . . your very Being IS Love. And Being Love is the highest attainment of purpose and existence. Human Being has its richest fulfillment within the relational Bonds-of-Love. The verb aspect of self, human being, transcends the boundaries of individual bodies and is expressed in the space-between-two-bodies. Being happens at the heart of each and every relationship. Without others to "be-with," human being cannot . . . "be." Leonardo De Cresenzo conveyed this inseparable synergism with these words:

* * * * *
"We are each of us angels with one wing,
and can only fly embracing each other."
.* * * * *.

We literally require each other in order to "be." And because of this bond, we stand before one another in an inherent position of moral obligation. As Mother Teresa put it: "If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other." How we are "being-with" others, . . . our way of being, . . . is the most important facet of self and the most essential expression of our existence. Further, our "way of being" is ever expressed with in these parameters: Inescapable Impact Always! (Changing Your Stripes page 87)

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