Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

The Love that Lasts:
Standing In Love versus Falling In Love
.by Matt Moody, Ph.D. 

Emotional feelings fluctuate! Romantic excitement ebbs & flows — it comes and it goes! This is why a Commission on Marriage and Family identified "commitment," and not love, as the most important element in making a satisfying and stable relations.

But love and commitment need not be seen as two separate realities. Commitment can be conceived as an important aspect to a type of love that fosters rich relations. In his book, The Road Less Traveled, M. Scott Peck describes love thus:

"The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. Love is not effortless. To the contrary, love is effortful. . . . Love is an act of will — both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love. . . . The act of falling in love is an act of regression. . . . Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience."

" Falling in love is not. . . The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. . . . True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision. Commitment is the foundation, the bedrock of any genuinely loving relationship. . . . it is our sense of commitment which makes possible the transition from falling in love to genuine love."

True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well-being of one's partner. Couples who stay together for a lifetime are inevitably faced with the task of keeping romantic love alive. But as long as companions are committed, romantic feelings can be renewed and made fresh!

Falling in Love is a euphoric yet fragile emotional state based upon feelings that come and go; in contrast, Standing in Loving is a committed decision one makes and not a fleeting feeling one has and then, . . . does not have.

It takes the total commitment of two to make a relationship, but the decision of only one to break it. Lasting Love is something you "stand for" rather than "fall in."
(Changing Your Stripes Manual, page 8-12)

* * * * * * *

The Highest Expression of Love is NOT an Emotion.

The Love that stands is created through a committed decision that never dies. When we truly Stand in Love, emotional feelings reinforce this commitment; whereas the Love that Falls is based upon emotions — euphoric feelings of physical attraction and sexual desire. So as emotional feelings fluctuate, the Love that Falls comes and goes, like the ups and downs of emotional feelings. Whereas, the Love that Stands is stable: Lasting Love can be relied upon through thick and thin.

* * * * *
Because emotions follow you,
you should not follow your emotions.
If you are being untrue in an emotional moment,
then the emotions that flow from you
will amplify your falseness.
.* * * * *.

Sioux Indian holy man Black Elk said: "It is in the darkness of their eyes that men get lost, when we cannot see our way, we think darkness is shrouding our pathway, when really the darkness is in ourselves." When we are not seeing clearly, it is because we are not being true — and thus our feelings follow our falseness. In the state of Self-Deception, the Love that Falls can fool us.

* * * * *
I bring to my world, perceptions of distortion and darkness,
because of the darkness within me. I see falsely, because I am false.
My worldview Changes as I Change. As I choose to truly Love,
I see a World that is only seen and experienced
through the eyes of Love.
.* * * * *.

When you are truly Being Loving, your very Being IS Love. Being Loving is the highest attainment of purpose and existence. Human Being has its richest fulfillment within the relational Bonds of Love that Stand!

* * * * *
"We are each of us angels with one wing,
and can only fly embracing each other."
.* * * * *

The committed decision to nurture the spiritual growth of another requires that you are "in tune" with your own spiritual growth. The Love that Stands is inseparably expressed through your ability to Be True — else you risk being mislead by emotion.

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Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor