Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor
Below is Dr Matt's Answer
Dear Dr Matt:
Hi i am a female named Lolita live in Long Island, New York.
I'm not sure if he is over his ex (a woman that he had a baby with) because during a candid conversation i asked him if he would ever take her back and he said maybe if we broke up somewhere along the line he would take her back.
Does he still love her ??? Now i feel insecure!
Thanks for your help,
If you're planning on "breaking up" with him eventually, THEN, does it really matter which woman he might connect with in the future? You see, for him to get back with his "ex," the two of you will need to "break up" first.
But there are other factors you need to pay attention to:
If it was his "ex" that did the breaking, THEN he can't simply return anytime he wants—even if the two of you end your relationship.
The decisions and feelings of the "ex" need to be considered--truth is, if she did the initial "breaking," she most likely will NOT want him back. Further, if she did the "breaking" . . . YOU need to pay attention to the REASONS why she did! And then realize that many divorced people do NOT correct the reasons why a separation or divorce happened.
Instead, they selfishly assume that the relationship ended because of the flaws in their partner--and to correct things in the future, they need a NEW partner that doesn't have the OLD flaws that the previous partner had.
For many people, it takes a few failed relationships to realize that the character flaws they've been "in denial" about, were contributing factor in the failed relationships.
So, Lolita, find out the REASONS he was most likely kicked to the curb, for those same reasons will surely arise in your relationship (I'm generalizing here: Most of the time, the man's bad behavior is the biggest reason WHY relationships fail—but of course, women make their negative contributions too; each get to OWN their failures and offenses).
In addition to this, you need to ask a better question of this situation. The question: Does he still love her? This is NOT the best question to wrap your mind around, and a better question is:
Does he love you? AND do you love him?
You can learn from a similar situation at this page at my website: Just click the LINK at the lower left side entitled Pretty Is As Pretty Does.
Now, if you're "love" for one another is the kind of "love" that falls . . . your relationship will NOT likely last too long--for one or both of you will become bored and disinterested at some point in the future, and will desire to break it off.
On the other hand, if you mutually share the kind of "love" that stands, THEN you have the basis for a GREAT RELATIONSHIP that can last a lifetime.
Also better than the question of, "does he still love her?" . . . is this:
Is he committed to you? If you don't have his complete commitment and you don't have the kind of love that stands, from the start, you are building a house on a sandy foundation--it will eventually fall and fail.
Read more about the kind of love that stands.
If you have this kind of lasting, committed love for him, and he has this same kind of lasting love for you, then there is absolutely NO REASON why you should feel insecure. Yet you DO feel insecure, . . . so the highest kind of "love" is most likely NOT happening between you.
Remedy: Since you can only control the decisions of your life, . . . you need to change! You need to become the kind of woman who is not prone to "feeling insecure" and also, you need to become the kind of woman who is capable of the highest expression of love--the love that stands!
WHEN you become this kind of woman, you must then ask yourself if you're in a relationship with a man that also offers this same kind of character—this same high level of living.
The truth is . . . you can't really ATTRACT A BETTER MAN . . . till you BECOME A BETTER WOMAN. This is the way I say it in my book, "Changing Your Stripes."
Attraction flows, it cannot be forced.
I'm hoping that you will choose to take control of your life, and toss aside your insecurities. I encourage you to become a woman of high integrity and love. If you're serious about this essential goal, my book can be a "road map" for your journey.
Matt Moody, Ph.D.
(Lolita asks a follow-up question)
* * * * * * *
The Greatest Prize
The book, "Changing Your Stripes" presents principles for getting out of
"Mastering a challenging situation
"Changing Your Stripes," teaches you the principles that lead to lasting change,
If these principles resonate and ring true,
Changing Your Stripes is a