Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

Archive of Dr Matt's Answers
to Burning Questions

The Meaning of Being in the Moment and Living in the Now:
Living Life from the Heart . . . or "by the Numbers" 

Dear Dr. Matt,

My name is Candi. I live in California. I'm 50 and single.

I've read varying viewpoints about "living in the now" and "being in the moment." I'm interested in your ideas on this topic?

Thanks,
Candi

Dear Candi:

First, both people who live "selfishly" versus people who live "empathically," can claim the descriptions of "being in the moment," and "living in the now"—but the two experiences will be diametrically different! People who live for themselves, ineviatably live "in their head." Living life selfishly is centered upon "figuring out" how to get others to play the roles we egocentrically assign them, so they can better accomodate our selfish agendas.

There are pre-packaged paintings you can create "by the numbers." Each number corresponds to a particular color. When the so-called "art" is completed, even though all the right colors are in the right place, the painting as a whole looks stiff and unnatural.

Here's an article by one of my mentors, C. Terry Warner. He explains why living life by the numbers (or by self-serving steps and rules) keeps our head clogged with an ego-centric agenda, and thus, we fail to see and feel and care for the people that stand before our eyes.

We fail to do that which is most important: Love!

The Problem with Self-Improvement Goals
By C. Terry Warner

Let us examine a little more closely the reasons why changing our heart cannot be a matter of goal-setting and rule-following.

When we begin by setting a goal, we project an image into the future of the kind of person we want to be. Then we guide our conduct by the image we have visualized, rather than hearkening to the summons of conscience that may come to us. We pay minimal attention to the hopes and needs of the people around us and concentrate on our project. We tend to see others as helping or hurting the project--we use others for our purposes and ignore their needs and desires. Thus we maintain an alienated "I-It" relationship with them, rather than "I-Thou" relationship.

There is a danger of this selfish blindness even if our stated goal is to help others--even if in our goal we visualize an image of them, and not just an image of ourselves. Our pursuit of the goal is still selfish and insensitive because it is our goal we are pursuing, even if we believe it is for "their own good." Having projected this goal, we help them in the way we envision rather than in the way they need. And inevitably they will sense this self-centeredness and feel misused. Here are some examples of how our goals of self-improvement actually block genuine improvement, specifically, a change of heart:

   ** A bride or groom infatuated with the idea of falling in love
(rather than loving each other genuinely).

   ** Parents who imagine themselves presiding over an orderly home with obedient, cheerful children
(rather than simply being devoted to those children).

   ** Administrators enthralled with the idea of dynamic and successful leadership
(rather than concerned and delighted to help others succeed).

   ** Teachers, doctors, or attorneys embarking on a career in which they hope to be impressive, respected, or adored
(rather than setting out to serve).

All of these "self-improvement" goals are more preoccupied with the image of an ideal or impressive life-project than with hearkening to the hopes and needs of others; hence they are bound to fail in terms of meaningful improvement. Their goals are not to help the real people they will live and work with from day to day and hour by hour, but to make sure they become the heroes or heroines of their own stories. Inevitably, others will not play the roles these stories assign them, and they will be resented by the selfish-story-maker for their lack of cooperation.

Only a life-project committed to the happiness and success of other people will not turn bitter on the vine.

There is, then, a vast difference between trying to change oneself, self-improvement, according to one's self-serving idea of what it is to be good, . . . and actually being good.

Many self-betrayers rigidly, desperately, even fanatically pursue goals to ensure that their story will end in their favor, for them; they live with the stratagem of self-promotion and self-protection. Inevitably, they belong among those who live for themselves. But being good requires living for others, because only this way can we be authentic. This requires openness to others in the moment, and openness to the natural world around us; it requires listening and doing what love dictates--such leads to a change in self that matters, an authentic improvement.

For the only change that matters is a change of heart. Every other change alters us cosmetically but not fundamentally; modifies how we appear, what we do or what we say, but not who we are.

*    *    *    *    *

Rule-Following
by Matt Moody Ph.D.

When Warner uses the term "rule-following," he is not talking about "commandment-following." Rules, in his view, are "How-to-do's" and Commandments are "What-to-do's." And the two notions exist worlds apart!

How-to-do's are technological recipes that endeavor to guarantee a given result, as specific step by step "rules" are followed. It is precisely these "rules" that clutter and cloud our minds, when we could be clearly tuned-in to the needs and concerns of people we might love and serve.

We choose to focus on the "rules," because we hope to enlist others in the service of our SELFISH-improvement goals.

The book "Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus," provides a typical example of a rule-driven self-improvement strategy. The following "rules" are given to facilitate (manipulate others) toward reaching ones goal:

HOW TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY

   1. Remember anger comes from not understanding her point of view.
   2. Remember that feelings don't always make sense right away.
   3. Remember that anger may come from not knowing what to do to make things better.
   4. Remember you don't have to agree to understand her point of view.
   5. Remember you don't have to understand her point of view to
         succeed in being a good listener.

Following rules like these, is an excellent example of the "rule-following" which, according to Warner, cannot lead to a "change of heart" or to "loving others." This is because the rule-follower is failing to do the very thing that will open the way to Love: Sincerely listening to the needs and concerns of another person.

But instead of being sensitive to others, instead of loving and serving others, and being in the moment for others, rule-followers get "in-their-heads" to busily remember rules 1, 2, & 3 in order to get the self-serving goal.

In loving others, we do not disappear ourselves, instead, we create who we are in its highest expression. This is precisely why we say "God is Love." Our "being" is literally created in each and every relationship we have with others: Being Loving is the highest expression of the human self.

Candi, every expression of our be-ing is manifest through a be-with someone else or something else! The very presence of other things and beings is what makes our be-ing possible. Hence, the richest manifestation of "be-ing in the moment" means "being-with one's context completely"—having an awareness of all that surrounds you and loving all things and beings in your presence.

Sincerely,

Matt Moody, Ph.D.
Social Psychologist

* * * * * * *

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Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor