Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor

Dr Matt's Archive of Answers
to Burning Questions

He Promised not to Cheat, then He Cheated Anyway

Dr. Matt,
 
My name is Angelina. I live in Oregon. I'm a female and my age is 42. I am married with no children.
 
I need advice! After I confronted my husband about an emotional affair he was having with a female friend and he promised to stop contacting her, why then has he started calling her again, and yet denies it with a straight face, even though I know the truth.

Thank you!

Related Article: My Husband Cheated Twice, What Should I Do?

Dear Agenlina:

There are two questions to answer:

1) Why did he return to his cheating ways? and 2) Why did he lie about it?

Why he lied is because you caught him with his pants down, and it's embarrassing to admit that he not only broke his word, but he also violated your sacred marital vows . . . again.

In this life, whenever we make mistakes, we have two fundamental choices before us:

Rationalize or Repent

Because your husband is a man capable of cheating, it is consistent with this lack of character, that he would also lie about it, when caught. Lying is one form of Rationalizing.

Now, let's look at the more foundational question: Why did he cheat in the first place, and why did he return to cheating after giving his word that he wouldn't?

Your husband gave a superficial promise to stop contacting this other woman with his Lips only, and not with his Heart. Your husband has shown by his actions, that he is currently incapable of promising with his Whole Heart — because that level of integrity is NOT in him. Here's a truth taught by legendary trumpet player Louis Armstrong:

"If you ain't got it in ya, . . . ya can't blow it out."

Fact is, . . . your husband does NOT possess strength of character within him to make this kind of promise, and then keep it. Unfortunately the desire to cheat remains in his heart. The following story illustrates what I'm talking about:

The Frog and the Scorpion

One day, a scorpion looked around his habitat and decided that he needed a change. He could see a great place to relocate, but it was on the other side of a river, and of course, scorpions cannot swim.

What luck! He noticed a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream, and decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

"Hello Frog!" called the scorpion, "would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I let you hop on my back and give you a ride across the river, you won't sting me and kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

The scorpion replied, "Because if I kill you, I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog, but he inquired further, "what about when I get close to the river bank? You could still try to kill me!"

"This is possible," agreed the scorpion, "but then if I kill you, we both would drown in the river, for you see, I cannot swim!"

"All right," said the frog, "but how do I know you won't just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?"

"Ahh..." crooned the scorpion, "once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would be unfair to reward you with death, . . . right?!"

So as the scorpion made a promise not to kill him, the friendly frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. The scorpion proceeded to crawl upon the frog’s back, pricking sharp claws into his soft hide to get a good grip, and then the frog slid into the river.

The frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. Swimming steadily against the river's swift current, he kicked vigorously to reach the halfway point in the stream.

The frog and the scorpion were in the middle of the river moving steadily to towards the opposite bank, when suddenly the frog felt a sharp pain, the scorpion had plunged his stinger into the frog's soft skin.

"You stung me!" croaked the frog, “Why did you do this? Now we both shall die!

The scorpion replied, "I could not help myself. I'm a scorpion — it's my nature."
Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the river.

Just as the scorpion gave a promise to the frog that he would not kill him, in a similar way, your husband gave a shallow promise with his lips that he would not cheat again — but the desire to cheat remained in his heart. Because of your husband's current character, the act of cheating is natural and consistent with his "nature" — he's a scorpion!

Before your husband can give a promise that he can keep, . . . he needs a New Heart — he needs a Change of Heart that only comes through Christ.

Your husband would benefit by reading my book "Changing Your Stripes." But it's unlikely that he would be willing to read my book, as long as he has no genuine, heartfelt desire to change. You see, his problem is self-perpetuating: Scorpions cannot do anything but think and act like scorpions.

I call this self-perpetuating problem "Einstein's Mind Bind." An excerpt from my book describes this self-annihilating bind:

Here’s the problem: You can’t choose the best things in life if the emphatic energy to be the best is not in you! You can only choose, and you will only choose, those options you presently feel to choose according to the current condition of your disposition; hence, you will choose something less-than-best because of the animal you are. Just like a tiger will always be a tiger, and act like a tiger; until that tiger becomes a new kind of creature, you will also be who you are until you . . . Change Your Stripes.
(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, pages 43-44)

The key to Changing Your Stripes is in experiencing a genuine Change from your core — a Change that only occurs with the Help and Healing of Heaven.

Angelina, here's your challenge: The primary problem of cheating belongs to your husband and he must make the primarily change; thus, you are not in direct control of the outcome: your marriage may or may not survive. Remember:

It takes the commitment of two to make a marriage,
but only the decision of one to break it.

So the best you can do is focus upon the Goal within Your Control: Becoming Loving and True. This is the optimum way you can influence and inspire your husband to embark upon the path of lasting Change. If he chooses to walk that path with a humble heart, then the your marriage and your love can be renewed. Heaven's Help and Healing will need to change you too: Christ's redemption must make you a new creature capable of true forgiveness.

Most of the counseling that I do for couples occurs under the duress of an ultimatum — usually coming from the woman but occasionally from the man. If your husband knows that you will stay with him, whether of not he changes, then your ability to motivate him is drastically reduced.

But when he realizes that you will actually leave the marriage if he does not change, he will become more motivated to change — I've seen it a hundred times. So beware of this broken-record-routine: he will simply give "lip service" to the promise of change, but will NOT give his whole Heart and Soul to the promise of change — Change that only happens with Heaven's help.

The Change of Heart that your husband needs (and that we all need at various levels of growth and progression) is not realized through the exercise of mental will; in fact, it happens exactly opposite from exerting a determined will — it happens through a complete release of mental will.

The process of experiencing a Change of Heart is thoroughly detailed in my book.

Sincerely,

Matt Moody, Ph.D.
Social Psychologist

* * * * * * *

The Greatest Prize
for Life's labors isn't
in material possessions
or impressive accomplishments,
but in the progress of personal character.
You labor for your own becoming, this is your richest reward.
Who You Become is your greatest possession,
make it your Masterpiece!
(Changing Your Stripes, 2nd Edition, page 274).

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the ditch in which you've been dumped (the difficulties of which you are a victim), and
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- Matt Moody 

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Social Psychologist & Personal Advisor